Feeling Hurt, Broken, Annoyed, Sad, Anxious, depressed.

July 2, 2014

Well I don’t know who reads this anymore.   I know my Grandmother does.  Love you Grandmother.

To everyone I wanna say don’t get too worried about the title to this post.  Sometimes I write to vent and remember. 

But man.  I’ve had a year.  A year of a lot of little annoying things.  A year of angry parents that believe their lying children.  A year of angry relatives being verbally and financially abusive.  A year of random strangers losing it on me for honest mistakes I’ve made.  A year of neighbors yelling, and even drawing a gun on me.  A year of people hurting me.

All of those things has caused me to become very sensitive.  The smallest of gestures from an angry driver causes me to feel hurt and anger that I shouldn’t feel.

Today someone who has been getting on me a lot, did again today.  And it turned into a huge conflict that it didn’t need to.  

I feel like I walk around and people see me and say; “You know who I wanna misunderstand and abuse today? That guy.”.

Please excuse my exaggeration.  Let’s be honest though, it feels good to exaggerate when the world gets us down.  

And so today, I was driving around, feeling depressed, beginning to think, man maybe I am just a jerk.  Maybe I am just a terrible person.  I must be, because this has been happening all year.  I must deserve all this negativity and hurt.  Thinking maybe this life of Christ like-ness ins’t something I can handle.  Maybe I need to get real comfortable somewhere and just chill for the rest of my days.  Perhaps sit on a beach somewhere and sell sun lotion for the rest of my life.

I am beginning to give up on myself, and not like myself very much. 

And as I was at my wit’s end.  A friend texted me a couple verses from Psalm 27. This friend has never texted me verses, and is actually a new acquaintance and has no idea what my past year has been like. 

Psalm 27:11-12[11] Teach me your way, O LORD, and lead me on a level path because of my enemies. [12] Give me not up to the will of my adversaries; for false witnesses have risen against me, and they breathe out violence.

God has moved in my life for a long time.  More often subtly than obviously.

I have found though, that as I get to my wit’s end in life, he seems to speak to me in a way that’s a little louder and a little more obvious. 

I love you God.  I’m over it right now.  Thank you for speaking to me when I’m done and depressed.  I need you this next year.  Help me to rely on you.  Stop the breathing out of violence against me.  Convict me where I need to be convicted, and encourage and strengthen me where I am weak and depressed.

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2 Responses to “Feeling Hurt, Broken, Annoyed, Sad, Anxious, depressed.”

  1. Patricia Pickard said

    Anthony, I need to write a letter to you. I can’t do it right now because I have an appointment, but some time today I will write to you and send it by email….not sure if I have your most recent email or not, but I can message you later. You are having growing pains…so am I!

  2. Hey Bro. I love you. It’s amazing to watch you grow in so many ways. It’s been a blessing for me, one of the people who has watched you, looked up to you, wanted your love and approval her whole life, to see you lead. I’ve seen you choose humility. I’ve seen you choose truth. I’ve seen you love outside of yourself. You have spoken great things over my life, too. I am so grateful to have you as my big brother. I really pray God would refresh you and give you rest, and heap everlasting love over you.

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